Stoke City hero Jon Walters has joked he can’t believe the lengths some people will go to avoid using toilet paper during the coronavirus crisis, after catching a man doing a No.2 outside his house!
The former Potters striker took to Twitter to share the bizarre story, revealing he chased after the culprit and frogmarched him back to the spot to clean his mess up.
“TRUE STORY FROM YESTERDAY,” he wrote.
“I was walking with my wife and dog out of the gate to my house and saw a man squatting, shorts around ankles, exposing everything and leaving us a present. He spots us, pulls up shorts and proceeds to sprint off.
“Looking like a runner, with short shorts, back pack and drinking straws coming out of his backpack.
“He set off at a rapid pace, disappeared around a bend and up an extremely steep country lane. I sprang over the gate and proceeded to chase the phantom s****er.
“I soon realised this guy was a decent runner but he had seriously underestimated my hill sprinting ability.
“Running on a 45 degree hill I was catching him up fast whilst telling him so. He had all the gear and no idea! I caught him up stopping him in his tracks.
“I proceeded to tell him to go back to clean it up. He then began to argue what he had done was acceptable and demands tissue paper and a bag!
“I told him to use the pretty red T-shirt he’s wearing. A neighbour hears the commotion.
“She comes out and begins to tell him how disgusting he is.
“I have now frogmarched him back down to the site of the defecation and the offender, armed with a plastic bag provided by Lynne my neighbour, proceeds to clean up his mess.
“With my phone in hand, I decided to take a short video of him doing so…as proof! He then physically removes my phone out of my hand saying No, No, No!
“I physically retrieve my phone back and he realises he’s still a runner, with all the gear and no idea!
“He quickly puts the plastic bag with offending substance into his backpack and runs off in the opposite direction-no doubt squelching the whole way home, which he said was 10 miles away. I hope his wife gets a whiff of him when he returns.
“Whilst this has been going on, an older couple, having watched the whole episode unfold in front of them approach me.
“With a wry smile on his face the husband tells me that he told his wife ‘There’s no chance he’s getting away from him!’
“Honestly the lengths people are going to at the moment to avoid using their toilet roll is beyond me.
“I think the offender should come back and apologise to my wife, kids and neighbours who could’ve easily trod in his disgusting mess, or I could also post the video I took of him and put it on Social Media to hopefully deter him from doing this again.
“Remember to stay safe, social distance yourselves and don’t go s****ing on other people’s property! #poogate”